tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180613394845757362.post144142625865245185..comments2020-05-07T11:07:03.109-07:00Comments on meg_evonne: Tagline ContestMeghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01806075459880162155noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180613394845757362.post-54700256008944016432010-11-05T19:24:23.470-07:002010-11-05T19:24:23.470-07:00just wanted to let you know I grabbed your logline...just wanted to let you know I grabbed your logline!Steena Holmeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03585255306121495098noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180613394845757362.post-25573259906179098322010-11-05T10:28:52.208-07:002010-11-05T10:28:52.208-07:00You guys are so awesome! Thank you!You guys are so awesome! Thank you!Meghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01806075459880162155noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180613394845757362.post-31458577946770583922010-11-04T21:11:56.932-07:002010-11-04T21:11:56.932-07:00I agree with the other commenters: cut the last se...I agree with the other commenters: cut the last sentence. <br /><br />Also - you could liven the beginning up by doing something like this:<br /><br />"When fifteen-yr-old Eve arrives in Rome to join her parents on vacation, she finds them missing."roh morgonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06823641709307631626noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180613394845757362.post-33013781696996050412010-11-04T10:25:44.010-07:002010-11-04T10:25:44.010-07:00this is very general information. I believe it is ...this is very general information. I believe it is better to focus on two or three facts.<br /><br />Example:<br />When 15 yr old Eve discovers her parents are missing, she must learn to use her magi powers to defeat those responsible and find them. (then add another sentence)<br /><br />I would cut the last sentence especially. IMHO, too much information dilutes the premise of the story.Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180613394845757362.post-22959480326353234462010-11-03T21:11:09.503-07:002010-11-03T21:11:09.503-07:00Hi there. My instinct, before I read what the othe...Hi there. My instinct, before I read what the other commenters said, was that the last sentence is unnecessary. I also think you should spell out 'year' - 'yr' looks like a typo to my eyes and you want to avoid that. I was also confused about why her parents are in Rome - are they holidaying there, are they archaeologists, why does someone want them dead?<br /><br />Good luck with your writing!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180613394845757362.post-14554948352406226942010-11-03T19:38:23.974-07:002010-11-03T19:38:23.974-07:00This sounds like a lot of fun, but the different p...This sounds like a lot of fun, but the different pieces seem a bit disjointed at the moment. Eve does all these things, but if you made it clearer how they all tie together, that would be stronger, I think. Also, the last sentence needs to be either left out, or find a way to quickly "show" this--it's kind of dull to say she's going to do all these things when you can say what she's actually doing. Plus, I think that will give a better insight into Eve :)Meradeth Houstonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06741790047121063893noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180613394845757362.post-85631119696475157202010-11-03T14:42:20.135-07:002010-11-03T14:42:20.135-07:00I agree with Nicole about the first and last sente...I agree with Nicole about the first and last sentences. Especially the last - you're basically summing up what the novel is about, instead of showing it to us :) <br /><br />How about something along the lines of: When Eve arrives in Rome to find her parents are missing, she goes on a quest to find them. But she never expected... etc.Mariekehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16383960692054256957noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180613394845757362.post-60662003534834850822010-11-03T13:11:12.468-07:002010-11-03T13:11:12.468-07:00I want to know more about Eve. We know very little...I want to know more about Eve. We know very little about her. I don't think the first or last sentences are necessary. What are her powers? Why must she defeat a ghoul? The premise is definitely intriguing.Nicole Zoltackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180613394845757362.post-13085165956762244212010-11-03T12:36:41.612-07:002010-11-03T12:36:41.612-07:00Sounds like an exciting novel. Good luck =DSounds like an exciting novel. Good luck =DRaShelle Workmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17582252557500502186noreply@blogger.com