UPDATE: Tagline has been re-worked as shown... Probably will change many, many more times!
Magi magic manifests through trial; the greater the magic within, the greater the trial, and Eve is going to manifest a shitload of magic, or die trying. To find her parents and save the world, she races across Rome trailing ritual murders by finding and deciphering clues in order to stop a ghoul, straight out of Lucan’s epic poem. All to clean up a mess made by Isis, her mentor—a mess that has already sent two samaneri to their deaths.
Deep in editing for that final printing to send off to an editor, I missed the great Miss Snark's First Victim's tagline contest. Completely inexcusable since she actually ran three submission times. Inexcusable, but you do learn as much by reading, writings crits, and reading the posted crits as you get posting! It's an invaluable resource I visit often.
Then to my surprise, someone else opened up same type of feed back on their site. Okay, missed three and MSFV has this fabulous opportunity coming up shortly--so to miss the 4th would be completely stupid. Therefore, for your editing pleasure here is my tagline for my manuscript.
Title: Star of Isis
Genre: high concept YA magic realism
Word Count: 60,533
Fifteen-yr-old Eve arrives in Rome to find her parents missing. To save her parents and defeat a ghoul straight from Lucan's epic poem, Eve must discover her magi powers and decipher clues while trailing a series of ritual murders. She explores real history, visits authentic exotic locations, and converses with historical figures-both real and from religious mythology.
Please comment away. ANYTHING you can do to make this stand out and say, "Represent me!" would be greatly appreciated!
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Sounds like an exciting novel. Good luck =D
ReplyDeleteI want to know more about Eve. We know very little about her. I don't think the first or last sentences are necessary. What are her powers? Why must she defeat a ghoul? The premise is definitely intriguing.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Nicole about the first and last sentences. Especially the last - you're basically summing up what the novel is about, instead of showing it to us :)
ReplyDeleteHow about something along the lines of: When Eve arrives in Rome to find her parents are missing, she goes on a quest to find them. But she never expected... etc.
This sounds like a lot of fun, but the different pieces seem a bit disjointed at the moment. Eve does all these things, but if you made it clearer how they all tie together, that would be stronger, I think. Also, the last sentence needs to be either left out, or find a way to quickly "show" this--it's kind of dull to say she's going to do all these things when you can say what she's actually doing. Plus, I think that will give a better insight into Eve :)
ReplyDeleteHi there. My instinct, before I read what the other commenters said, was that the last sentence is unnecessary. I also think you should spell out 'year' - 'yr' looks like a typo to my eyes and you want to avoid that. I was also confused about why her parents are in Rome - are they holidaying there, are they archaeologists, why does someone want them dead?
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your writing!
this is very general information. I believe it is better to focus on two or three facts.
ReplyDeleteExample:
When 15 yr old Eve discovers her parents are missing, she must learn to use her magi powers to defeat those responsible and find them. (then add another sentence)
I would cut the last sentence especially. IMHO, too much information dilutes the premise of the story.
I agree with the other commenters: cut the last sentence.
ReplyDeleteAlso - you could liven the beginning up by doing something like this:
"When fifteen-yr-old Eve arrives in Rome to join her parents on vacation, she finds them missing."
You guys are so awesome! Thank you!
ReplyDeletejust wanted to let you know I grabbed your logline!
ReplyDelete